Fall Into Me
by Sara14
Summary: Buffy's been back about a month. Dawn runs away and some good Buffy/Spike stuff.
1. Default Chapter

Buffy sat outside on her back porch. The moon was full. It lit up the yard, making it so she saw shadows every where she looked. It never ceased to amaze her, nighttime. A time she thought she'd never see again. And in her heart, a time she hoped she had left behind forever. When night came, so did evil. Darkness wasn't something you wanted. But in Buffy's life, darkness was who she was. P  
It had been a month. A long month of remembering. All the things that had gone wrong in her life. Her first night as the slayer. She was such a disappointment that night. No wonder Merrick had made her work so hard. But that memory went hand in hand with her parents divorce. She still blamed herself, always would probably. P  
Next came the move to Sunnydale, or Sunnyhell as she liked to call it. This place was hell. Everywhere you looked, there was evil. Human and non-human. You couldn't even take a moonlight stroll with your beau and not be attacked by something. Whether it be a vampire or an evil helldog that wished you dead.P  
The master was the worst thing she'd ever faced. Angel was a close second but the master was all of Buffy's insecurities. Not even Adam or Glory were as evil as the Master had been. And the Mayor was just a wannabe evil master. He wasn't cut out for it. Never had been. The night she defeated the master she became an adult. She had finally realized how short her life would really be. Dying could do that to you.P  
Angel would always be a sore spot with Buffy. She had buried the hatchet, so to speak, but she would never forget. He was her first love. The guy teenagers everywhere dreamed of, only he hadn't been a guy. He had been a demon. And she never should have gotten mixed up with him. Angel was in her past, a place he belonged. She didn't love him anymore, she didn't even know if she had feelings towards him anymore.P  
Faith was her biggest failure. If she could have noticed how far gone the slayer was maybe she could have been saved. But once again, Buffy had been too caught up in her own life. Faith had made the only choice she could, to go join the Mayor, he had claimed to love her. But in all realities, he had bought her. But maybe if Buffy had been her friend she wouldn't have been able to be bought.P  
Joyce. In three words Buffy could say exactly what she felt. She hated God. No demon had killed her mom. No supernatural force. Just life, just a disease that God let her have. He could have saved her. Hell, Buffy had saved the world so many times, didn't she deserve one reward. Her mom was her support system, after she had died, Buffy had lost the drive in herself. To see someone that close to you die, without reason. It did strange things to a person. Especially someone who could save the world but not her mother.P  
Dawn, her sister, her very flesh and blood. Buffy couldn't describe in words how much she loved her sister. She maybe wasn't a "real" sister, but she was even more. She was created from Buffy. She was part of Buffy, the good part. The only part worth fighting for. And fight she had, to death.P  
And Spike. The vampire without a soul, without any real reason to not wish her dead, loved her. Now that scared the hell out of her. It went against every thing she believed in. That bloody British vampire kept Buffy up at night. Making her wish of things that were better left alone. But he popped up, at times that Buffy wished to be alone. At times when she needed him the most.P  
So Buffy sat there, the same spot. Night after night. Remembering past hurts. Sorting through them, dissecting them. Trying to figure out how she came to be here. Where she went wrong? Why she couldn't have been left dead. 


	2. Two

centerChapter 1/centerP There she was, like always. Sitting on that back porch, staring up at the sky. He'd found her there every night. Sometimes she would talk to him. Other times she would just let him sit with her and enjoy the silence. These were the moments Spike craved. The moments he could actually pretend that she might see him as more than a demon. She could see him as a friend. As more than a friend.P  
"Are you going to stand there all night?" Buffy asked making Spike smile. She wanted conversation tonight.P  
Spike walked over and sat down on the other end of the steps. He never sat right beside her. She had granted him this small favor, put the little trust she had towards him and let him sit with her. He would not make her uncomfortable by turning this into a romantic thing. Unless she instigated it of course.P  
"Don't you love the moon?" she asked after a couple minutes had gone by.P  
"Sure, it's a pretty sight," Spike said wondering where tonight's conversation was headed. She always had an underlying meaning.P  
"There was a full moon that night," Buffy said softly. "I remember sitting on that fresh grave staring at it. Merrick standing by the tree closest to it. He knew it was a fresh grave but didn't warn me."P  
"The night you were called," Spike said realization dawning. "Must have been a pretty interesting night?"P  
"Yeah, but it was also the best night of my life I remember thinking," Buffy said smirking at her stupidity. "Here I was, this cheerleader who had the brains of a rock, and I now had super powers. I was a super hero."P  
Spike smiled at her. "Yeah, I remember Peaches talking about your cheerleading days. Said what you lacked in talent you made up in spirit."P  
Buffy shook her head. "I didn't realize it until I watched my watcher die, that I was also still that girl, that cheerleader. I was so cocky, so sure of myself, I let my watcher die protecting me." She wrapped her arms around her stomach. "I'll never forget that night. It was the night before I quit cheerleading, quit my friends, quit my boyfriend. I gave up on having both worlds and became the Slayer."P  
Spike leaned back against the top step. "Well, you were a better Slayer."P  
Buffy turned to face him, tears in her eyes. "I shouldn't have been. I was sixteen years old Spike. I wasn't ready to be a Slayer. I wasn't ready to save the world. I watched my best friends die, I watched my watcher die and I couldn't do anything. I was a girl playing in a demon world. I'm still that girl, now I'm just more cynical."P  
Spike sighed. "Pet, you are the best Slayer that they have ever had. The Watcher's council knows that. The demon's in the world know that. You are an amazing girl too. You can't separate the two Buffy. You are both. The Slayer and the Girl. But you make it work."P  
"I don't want to," Buffy said so quietly nobody should have been able to hear her but Spike had exceptional hearing.P  
"You can't quit luv, this world would die without you. Dawn, Willow, Xander, Giles, and myself included. It was bad enough when you died. For you to just quit now, that would break us."P  
Buffy looked up at the sky again. "It was so peaceful up there. I want to go back. I need to go back. This place has gotten harder. I don't know if I can make it."P  
"You can Buffy, you will," Spike said already hearing someone about to break up their happy conversation.P  
"Buffy!" Xander called opening the back door. He stopped when he saw Spike sitting beside his best friend. "Is he bothering you Buf?"P  
Spike stood up, his welcome was short lived already. He wasn't even welcome, Buffy had never told him she wanted him here. He just came and now it was time to go. But this time, he wouldn't stay and listen for her rejection.P  
"He's not bothering me Xander," Buffy said her voice sounding cold even to Spike. "He's just being a friend, and I can never have enough of those."P  
Xander saw Spike freeze and watched him turn to look at the Slayer. So the vampire still loved the Slayer. Well, if Buffy wanted to play with his feelings, he wasn't going to stop her. "We need you in the living room. Scooby meeting."P  
Buffy nodded but it took her another moment to stand up. "Thank you Xander, I'll be inside soon. I just want a couple more minutes out here." She waited until he had gone inside. It was close to five minutes later before she made her way to the door. Spike still stood inside the yard, staring at her. When she opened the door he turned to go.P  
"Aren't you coming?" she asked pausing.P  
"These meetings are for you and the gang, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing. I'm not needed there." Spike made it to the end of the yard before he heard what she said.  
"I need you," Buffy said softly.P center*****/centerP  
"She's so different," Xander said pacing by the fire place. "She's out there sitting with Spike acting like he's a friend. He's a vampire!"P  
"He did help us while she was gone though," Willow pointed out. "And Buffy is just getting use to being back. We don't know where she's been. She's probably still sorting through whatever hell dimension she was stuck in."P  
"I don't know, Xander might have a point," Giles said agreeing with the young man. "Buffy is not who we remembered. It's like a part of her is missing. I want to research the spell you guys did, find out if she had to give something up to come back."P  
Willow and Tara stood up and made their way to the bookcase that held the spell they had performed. They wouldn't tell him that they had already looked it over and couldn't find anything that would explain the Slayer's change.P  
"Has she patrolled since she came back?" Anya asked curiously. Xander was going out every night still with Willow and she wanted her fiancé back.P  
"No, I don't feel comfortable putting her out there without her being herself," Giles said.P  
"Thank you for that," Buffy said standing in the doorway from the kitchen into the living room. Spike stood behind her looking unsure of himself, which was strange for the cocky vampire.P  
"Buffy, we didn't know you were here, we were just discussing." Willow said looking at everybody for help to think up some excuse.P  
"Me, yeah I heard." She walked into the room reaching behind her with one hand to make sure Spike was still behind her. "I can't explain why I'm different. I feel different inside. You don't know where I was. I can't describe it." She looked at Spike. "I wish it was different guys."P  
"Buffy," Giles said staring at his slayer with concern. "You are like a daughter to me. I love you more than I love myself. You know this. I want to help you. But you have to talk."P  
Buffy stood up and pursed her lips before continuing. "That's just it Giles, I don't want to talk. I want to.just let me.let me get use to being back on my own." When Xander opened his mouth to say something she shook her head at him. "I know it's been a month. But maybe I need two months."P  
"If Buffy wants time, give her time," Dawn said staring at Buffy. "After all, it's her life." She stood up and smiled, but it was more like a sneer. "Right Buffy, it's your life, only yours."P  
Buffy stared at her sister in shock. She didn't understand where all this hostility was coming from. "Dawn, what's wrong?"P  
"Oh, like you care now," Dawn said her eyes tearing up. "You didn't care last week, or the week before. Don't you realize that I know you don't want to be here? That you would rather be with mom and Tara. I know you hate it here, so why bother at all. Just go die, okay, go!" Dawn backed up when Buffy moved towards her. "Just go!"P  
Giles stood up when Buffy turned and walked out the door. "Dawn, that was uncalled for." He started chasing after her but Willow stopped him.P  
"Dawn's right Giles." She looked at everybody else for support. "Buffy has been back and she is still pissed about us bringing her back. We all know, not just Dawn, that she doesn't want to be here. Dawn was just stating the truth."P  
"Yes, I understand that," Giles said glaring at her. "But sending out Buffy, at nighttime, wasn't a good idea. Especially Dawn wishing her dead. Buffy doesn't need any encouragement on that part!"P  
"You don't think," Willow said softly. "Nah, Buffy isn't that kind of person."P  
"Buffy Summers wasn't, but this girl, just may be," Xander said thoughtfully.  
Spike walked out of the room and out the door. They could stand there and argue about Buffy, and her attitude all they want. He was going to go talk some sense into her, before she did do something stupid.PcenterChapter 1/centerP There she was, like always. Sitting on that back porch, staring up at the sky. He'd found her there every night. Sometimes she would talk to him. Other times she would just let him sit with her and enjoy the silence. These were the moments Spike craved. The moments he could actually pretend that she might see him as more than a demon. She could see him as a friend. As more than a friend.P  
"Are you going to stand there all night?" Buffy asked making Spike smile. She wanted conversation tonight.P  
Spike walked over and sat down on the other end of the steps. He never sat right beside her. She had granted him this small favor, put the little trust she had towards him and let him sit with her. He would not make her uncomfortable by turning this into a romantic thing. Unless she instigated it of course.P  
"Don't you love the moon?" she asked after a couple minutes had gone by.P  
"Sure, it's a pretty sight," Spike said wondering where tonight's conversation was headed. She always had an underlying meaning.P  
"There was a full moon that night," Buffy said softly. "I remember sitting on that fresh grave staring at it. Merrick standing by the tree closest to it. He knew it was a fresh grave but didn't warn me."P  
"The night you were called," Spike said realization dawning. "Must have been a pretty interesting night?"P  
"Yeah, but it was also the best night of my life I remember thinking," Buffy said smirking at her stupidity. "Here I was, this cheerleader who had the brains of a rock, and I now had super powers. I was a super hero."P  
Spike smiled at her. "Yeah, I remember Peaches talking about your cheerleading days. Said what you lacked in talent you made up in spirit."P  
Buffy shook her head. "I didn't realize it until I watched my watcher die, that I was also still that girl, that cheerleader. I was so cocky, so sure of myself, I let my watcher die protecting me." She wrapped her arms around her stomach. "I'll never forget that night. It was the night before I quit cheerleading, quit my friends, quit my boyfriend. I gave up on having both worlds and became the Slayer."P  
Spike leaned back against the top step. "Well, you were a better Slayer."P  
Buffy turned to face him, tears in her eyes. "I shouldn't have been. I was sixteen years old Spike. I wasn't ready to be a Slayer. I wasn't ready to save the world. I watched my best friends die, I watched my watcher die and I couldn't do anything. I was a girl playing in a demon world. I'm still that girl, now I'm just more cynical."P  
Spike sighed. "Pet, you are the best Slayer that they have ever had. The Watcher's council knows that. The demon's in the world know that. You are an amazing girl too. You can't separate the two Buffy. You are both. The Slayer and the Girl. But you make it work."P  
"I don't want to," Buffy said so quietly nobody should have been able to hear her but Spike had exceptional hearing.P  
"You can't quit luv, this world would die without you. Dawn, Willow, Xander, Giles, and myself included. It was bad enough when you died. For you to just quit now, that would break us."P  
Buffy looked up at the sky again. "It was so peaceful up there. I want to go back. I need to go back. This place has gotten harder. I don't know if I can make it."P  
"You can Buffy, you will," Spike said already hearing someone about to break up their happy conversation.P  
"Buffy!" Xander called opening the back door. He stopped when he saw Spike sitting beside his best friend. "Is he bothering you Buf?"P  
Spike stood up, his welcome was short lived already. He wasn't even welcome, Buffy had never told him she wanted him here. He just came and now it was time to go. But this time, he wouldn't stay and listen for her rejection.P  
"He's not bothering me Xander," Buffy said her voice sounding cold even to Spike. "He's just being a friend, and I can never have enough of those."P  
Xander saw Spike freeze and watched him turn to look at the Slayer. So the vampire still loved the Slayer. Well, if Buffy wanted to play with his feelings, he wasn't going to stop her. "We need you in the living room. Scooby meeting."P  
Buffy nodded but it took her another moment to stand up. "Thank you Xander, I'll be inside soon. I just want a couple more minutes out here." She waited until he had gone inside. It was close to five minutes later before she made her way to the door. Spike still stood inside the yard, staring at her. When she opened the door he turned to go.P  
"Aren't you coming?" she asked pausing.P  
"These meetings are for you and the gang, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing. I'm not needed there." Spike made it to the end of the yard before he heard what she said.  
"I need you," Buffy said softly.P center*****/centerP  
"She's so different," Xander said pacing by the fire place. "She's out there sitting with Spike acting like he's a friend. He's a vampire!"P  
"He did help us while she was gone though," Willow pointed out. "And Buffy is just getting use to being back. We don't know where she's been. She's probably still sorting through whatever hell dimension she was stuck in."P  
"I don't know, Xander might have a point," Giles said agreeing with the young man. "Buffy is not who we remembered. It's like a part of her is missing. I want to research the spell you guys did, find out if she had to give something up to come back."P  
Willow and Tara stood up and made their way to the bookcase that held the spell they had performed. They wouldn't tell him that they had already looked it over and couldn't find anything that would explain the Slayer's change.P  
"Has she patrolled since she came back?" Anya asked curiously. Xander was going out every night still with Willow and she wanted her fiancé back.P  
"No, I don't feel comfortable putting her out there without her being herself," Giles said.P  
"Thank you for that," Buffy said standing in the doorway from the kitchen into the living room. Spike stood behind her looking unsure of himself, which was strange for the cocky vampire.P  
"Buffy, we didn't know you were here, we were just discussing." Willow said looking at everybody for help to think up some excuse.P  
"Me, yeah I heard." She walked into the room reaching behind her with one hand to make sure Spike was still behind her. "I can't explain why I'm different. I feel different inside. You don't know where I was. I can't describe it." She looked at Spike. "I wish it was different guys."P  
"Buffy," Giles said staring at his slayer with concern. "You are like a daughter to me. I love you more than I love myself. You know this. I want to help you. But you have to talk."P  
Buffy stood up and pursed her lips before continuing. "That's just it Giles, I don't want to talk. I want to.just let me.let me get use to being back on my own." When Xander opened his mouth to say something she shook her head at him. "I know it's been a month. But maybe I need two months."P  
"If Buffy wants time, give her time," Dawn said staring at Buffy. "After all, it's her life." She stood up and smiled, but it was more like a sneer. "Right Buffy, it's your life, only yours."P  
Buffy stared at her sister in shock. She didn't understand where all this hostility was coming from. "Dawn, what's wrong?"P  
"Oh, like you care now," Dawn said her eyes tearing up. "You didn't care last week, or the week before. Don't you realize that I know you don't want to be here? That you would rather be with mom and Tara. I know you hate it here, so why bother at all. Just go die, okay, go!" Dawn backed up when Buffy moved towards her. "Just go!"P  
Giles stood up when Buffy turned and walked out the door. "Dawn, that was uncalled for." He started chasing after her but Willow stopped him.P  
"Dawn's right Giles." She looked at everybody else for support. "Buffy has been back and she is still pissed about us bringing her back. We all know, not just Dawn, that she doesn't want to be here. Dawn was just stating the truth."P  
"Yes, I understand that," Giles said glaring at her. "But sending out Buffy, at nighttime, wasn't a good idea. Especially Dawn wishing her dead. Buffy doesn't need any encouragement on that part!"P  
"You don't think," Willow said softly. "Nah, Buffy isn't that kind of person."P  
"Buffy Summers wasn't, but this girl, just may be," Xander said thoughtfully.  
Spike walked out of the room and out the door. They could stand there and argue about Buffy, and her attitude all they want. He was going to go talk some sense into her, before she did do something stupid.P 


	3. Three

Buffy stood on top of the hill staring at the moon. She didn't understand why she acted the way she did. Her sister just wished her dead. Her friends were acting like she was about to break into a million pieces if they so much as confronted her. The only person she could talk to was a vampire, a soulless vampire. To say her life was in shambles was putting it mildly.  
Buffy heard the steps behind her but didn't say anything. It was Spike. If she ignored him, he might go away. She didn't want company. She didn't want anything. She wanted to go back in time to one month ago and let her friends not be able to complete the spell. To have something go wrong, anything so she could be in that place again.  
"The 'lil Bit was just venting Pet," Spike said a couple feet behind her. "She didn't mean what she said. She doesn't want you to die."  
"Yeah she does," Buffy said quietly.  
"No she doesn't," Spike said again. "That sister of yours, she loves you so much. When you were gone, nobody cried harder over you. She was the shell of the Dawn we all know and love." Spike waited to see if Buffy was actually listening to him. She turned to face him and Spike continued. "She acted like you did, when your mum died. And she's hurting now. Having you admit that you didn't want to come back to her, it had to hit her right where it hurts luv. Her heart, and nobody has a bigger heart than 'lil Bit."  
"It's not that I don't want to be here with Dawn. I love Dawn, she is me," Buffy said walking over to the wall that blocked the hill from the cemetery. She sat down, leaning her back against it. "I just wish you could have felt what it was like there. How peaceful."  
"Well, I won't know Pet," Spike said a little sarcastically. "Me being a demon and all."  
Buffy glared at him. Spike laughed, that was probably the most emotion she had shown since being back. "Now I know why I never put up with you."  
Spike smiled. "Are you sure it wasn't the sexual chemistry Pet? That would make any innocent slayer run."  
Buffy glared at him again. "Can we talk about anything else?" She looked back up at the sky. "Like what my first step should be? Do I start patrolling?" She looked at him quickly. "Oh God, I am no longer a student. How are they paying the bills? How am I going to keep the house? Do I need to get a job?"  
Spike chuckled. "Slayer, you need to take it one step at a time. And step one should be going home to bed. You can start patrolling after you make good with the scoobies. Dawn and your friends are more important than anything else. So go home."  
Buffy stared at Spike. "You always surprise me. Just when I think you are a peroxide british vamp, you turn and become all nice on me." She pretended to shudder. "Do you even realize how strange that is? I can't figure you out."  
"Well that makes two of us," Spike said pulling the Slayer onto her feet. "Now go on, go make peace. Come see me in a day or two, we can patrol then."  
Buffy nodded and began the long trek home. She turned once to see the lone figure watching her. Not only did he surprise her, he made her want things that she couldn't have. But she'd never tell him that.  
  
Buffy entered the house quietly. She didn't know who was still there, or if anybody was there. She didn't want to disturb anyone if they were sleeping. She walked into the living room and froze when she saw Giles. "Ahhh.how's it going?"  
Giles stood up. "I thought it was going to be okay, but now I'm not so sure." He took his glasses off to clean them.  
Buffy stared at him. She wanted to confide in him, to tell him everything. About Heaven, about her mixed emotions. She wanted to be in high school again. Giles would tell her how it was suppose to be, she wouldn't listen but then always ended up doing it in the end. But she couldn't confide in the only guy she thought as her father. For one, he wouldn't understand.  
"Well, you should get in bed," Giles said walking towards the door. He looked at Buffy and sighed. He was hoping she would talk to him once they were alone but it looked like she wasn't going to say anything. "I'll call you tomorrow, maybe you can come into the shop and start training.  
Buffy nodded but still didn't say anything. She smiled at him before she shut the door behind him. She turned around and glanced into the living room. The one lamp by the couch was on, she turned it off before making her way up the stairs.  
Dawn's bedroom door was shut as she paused outside it. She knocked twice but when Dawn didn't answer she decided to just say what she had to say. "Dawnie, it's not that I don't want to be here. I just.it's an adjustment. You will never know what it's been like for me. I love you Dawn, you are my only sister. The only family I really have. I just wish you could understand."  
Buffy made her way into her room, barely checking to make sure it was empty. She walked over to her dresser and pulled out her pajamas and then made her way into her bathroom.  
She stood in front of the mirror trying to see what her friends saw. Outwardly, she looked the same, just a little skinnier and paler. But the biggest change were her eyes, she knew. Where there once was life, a passion for the fight, just the old Buffy, now they showed nothing. They showed how tired she was, how exhausted, how empty. She wasn't the same girl.  
Buffy watched as one tear rolled down her face. She watched it reach the end of her chin and then drip onto the ground. She closed her eyes before she could cry anymore. Tears weren't going to change anything. They were a weakness. And that was one thing the old Buffy and the new Buffy had in common. They weren't weak, they were strong.  
She changed quickly and walked back onto her room. Carelessly throwing her clothes near her hamper before climbing into bed. Tomorrow she would meet with Giles and learn to be the Slayer again. If there was thing she could still do, it was Slay. Nothing could change that.  
  
Dawn sat on the edge of her bed holding a picture of her and Buffy. It was taken the summer before Glory. They were both in the backyard, it was after their biggest water fight yet. Dawn had the hose but Buffy had turned it on her, making her take the brunt of the spray. It was one of the happier moments in Dawn's life.  
She wiped away tear after tear as she stuffed the picture into her duffle bag. She grabbed her favorite sweatshirt and sweats. She was going to L.A. She was going to find her father. Buffy was right, she didn't understand. All she knew was the sister she loved didn't want to be with her supposedly only family member left. Well, maybe Buffy could say those things, but Dawn knew she didn't mean it. Buffy was surrounded by family. Willow was her sister, Xander her brother, Giles her father and Spike was her soul mate, she just had yet to admit that one.  
And without Dawn around, maybe she could move on faster. Dawn was to big a reminder of things better left forgotten. Without her, they wouldn't have to constantly worry about her. They could go back to the way things were. Without her.  
Dawn grabbed her jean jacket and put it on. She picked up her duffle bag and set the letter she had written Buffy on the nightstand. Buffy would freak, or maybe she would sigh in relief. Dawn didn't know anymore.  
But as Dawn made her way out of Sunnydale. The farther the bus took her, the easier it was to breath. The closer she reached the end of city limits, the better she felt. This was the right thing. Buffy had run away once and she had gotten a whole new outlook on life. Dawn was just doing it a little sooner and she was running with a goal in mind. Her father.  
There was only one final question. Did he want her? 


	4. Four

Buffy woke up slowly the next morning. Her head was buried under her pillow and she didn't want to get up. But she had to get Dawn to school and try and get a job. Which that itself was enough to make Buffy groan. She rolled over and glanced at her alarm clock. 9:23. Buffy jumped up out of bed and ran to Dawn's room. She knocked on the door impatiently.  
"Dawn, ahh.Dawnie, you are so late for school. C'mon, get up lazybones," Buffy said attempting to be funny. She opened the door and looked around in confusion. Dawn's bed was made, which meant something was definitely wrong. Dawn was a teenager, her bed was never made. And the picture of her and Dawn was missing.  
She moved towards the bed, her face for once showing concern for her younger sister. That's when she saw the letter. It had Buffy written on the envelope with Dawn's teenage scrawl. Her hand shook as she reached for the letter that she already had an idea what it said. It took her a minute to open it, she tried to prepare for the words that were about to assault her but in the end, nothing could prepare her for Dawn's words.  
  
Dear Buffy  
I know what you are thinking. Dawn has run off and doesn't know what she is doing. She's gonna get hurt, end up in some trouble and you won't be able to find me. But I won't. I'm strong Buff, you taught me well. And Spike, he's helped me too. If you are curious as to that, ask him.  
Listen, about the things I said earlier. I wasn't thinking, I was reacting. Something I have to work on. I don't wish you dead. I could never wish you dead. You are my sister, my best friend. I love you so much and I can't stay and watch you despise us. We brought you back. I can only speak for myself when I say, I'm not sorry for that. I was broken without you here. When you were gone, I cried. I couldn't deal, without Spike and Willow and Xander and Giles, I might have killed myself. But then you came back.  
I wish I could say I don't miss the old Buffy because you are essentially the same Buffy. But I miss the confident slayer. The one with the sense of humor, the mindless banter and all around genuine good girl. I want her back, not to be mean, you aren't her. Now that I'm gone, I hope you can find her. I hope you look deep inside of yourself and can bring her out. I'm the cause of everything, since I'm technically not your sister, you should be fine.  
Well, I have to be going. Don't worry Buffy. I'll be fine. Dad will take care of me. Dawn  
  
Buffy didn't even realize she had sat down on Dawn's bed. She slowly lowered the letter to her lap. Dawn was gone, because of Buffy. She had left, she had run away from her home. To a man that she thought would except her, take her in and raise her.  
Buffy laid her head down on Dawn's pillow. She couldn't think, couldn't move, she was finding it hard to breath. Dawn was gone. And it was Buffy's fault. She was gone. And she had it all wrong.  
  
Giles heard the door of the Magic Box open and he looked up with a smile. When he saw Buffy he straightened and looked at her ravaged face. "Buffy, what happened?"  
"Dawn," Buffy said distracted. "Dawn's not here."  
"No Buffy, she's at school," Anya said walking up behind her. She looked at Giles who looked as confused as she did.  
"No, Dawn," Buffy said trying again. She almost had the words formed when her breathing became even more ragged. "She." she tried again. But she felt herself slowly losing consciousness.  
"Buffy!" Giles called hurrying around the counter. He picked the Slayer up and carried into the training room and laid her down on the couch. "Buffy, what's wrong with Dawn? What happened?"  
Buffy shook her head. She couldn't form the words. "Get Spike," she said finally. She wanted to say more but she couldn't. She rolled over and closed her eyes. Spike would help her, he'd tell them what she couldn't.  
Giles rubbed his hand on Buffy's head before he rose and walked back into the main store. "Anya, call Willow. Somebody needs to get Spike. Buffy's gone into some sort of shock and she asked for him." He couldn't keep the confusion out of the tone of his voice. It was one thing to lean on him heavily in battle but a whole other thing to ask for him on an emotional basis. But they would cover that base later.  
Anya nodded as she completed the sale she'd just made and picked up the phone. She hung up a couple minutes later. "Willow is on her way. I didn't tell her why we needed him. Why do we need him?"  
Giles went back to the doorway where he looked on at Buffy. "I'm not sure, but hopefully he'll explain." Buffy looked peaceful laying on the couch. If it wasn't for the shudders that kept wracking her body. She kept shaking. "I hope she gets him here quick."  
  
Spike shot up from his bed when he heard the door of his crypt slam open. "What in the bleedin hell!" he yelled yanking the blanket up over his private area. He saw Willow standing in the doorway looking at him in surprise.  
"Sorry, I forgot that you sleep during the day," she apologized. She hurried in and saw a pair of black pants on the ground. She picked them up and threw them at him. "Get up, Anya called me and said that Giles wanted you at the Magic Box immediately."  
Spike caught the pants and slowly blinked the sleep out of his eyes. He was still lost in his dream, of Buffy and a time that didn't include the present. "What? Why? Huh?" he asked confused. "The watcher needs me, the vampire? Are you sure Anya hasn't been drinkin or something. The watcher doesn't need me for anything."  
Willow shook her head. "She said he needed you and that's all I was told. Spike, Giles wouldn't ask for you unless it was important. Please hurry and get dressed. I'll wait outside for you."  
"Ahhh, Willow, I can't exactly go outside right now. Unless you want to bring me to the Magic Box in an urn." Spike smiled when the young witch looked embarrassed.  
"I'm sorry, for a moment I almost forgot," she said apologizing again. "Um.this isn't going to work."  
Spike sighed as he started to stand up. He smirked when she squeaked and turned around so she wouldn't see anything. Some girls could be such prudes. "It's okay now, I'm decent."  
Willow turned around and watched as he slipped a black shirt on and grabbed his black leather duster. She remembered a conversation she had had with Dawn earlier. When Buffy hadn't been here. She was right, Spike was hot. Not in the drop dead gorgeous, I wanna jump your bones way that Angel had been. But he was hot in the damn, I need him now, naked and horny.  
Spike watched as her face turned bright red. He would have paid any amount of money to know what was running through her mind to make her blush so hard. On the other hand, it was probably something that she'd never share. "How 'bout you go on ahead and I'll take the sewer over there. It's gonna take longer but I think Giles would rather me there in one piece than in a million."  
Willow nodded and walked towards the doorway. "Spike, hurry though. I don't know what would make Giles need you so badly in the middle of the day. It's not like him and I somehow think this has to do with Buffy." She watched as Spike's face softened when she said Buffy's name. Xander and Giles laughed whenever Dawn, Willow or Anya brought up Spike's love for Buffy. They claimed he didn't love her, couldn't love her, being soulless and all. But when the girls saw him, with that face, and they saw how he was with her. How patient, how kind and sincere. They would never doubt his feelings for their friend.  
"I'll be there mighty quick," Spike said already making his way for the hole in his home.  
Willow waited until she saw him leave before she looked around the crypt again. She was going to have to ask for Anya's help but they needed to do something about his home. Nobody could survive in such dark and dank surroundings. Not even a vampire deserved that. Angel had lived in a mansion for pete's sake. Nope, they were going to fix it up. With that thought in mind, she started making up a list of things they needed to purchase as she made her way out of the crypt and back to her car. 


End file.
